


Put Your Hand In Mine

by yeste_rye_ars



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Reader-Insert, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29550930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeste_rye_ars/pseuds/yeste_rye_ars
Summary: Zen is perfect, too perfect for you. He won't listen when you say those things, though. So, you take matters into your own hands.CW: attempted breakup (doesn't happen tho)
Relationships: Zen | Ryu Hyun & Main Character, Zen | Ryu Hyun/Main Character, Zen | Ryu Hyun/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	Put Your Hand In Mine

even when everything seemed perfect, it seems so close to slipping away from your fingers.

sure, Zen always said that you were his, and he was yours. and you believed him, because he had never given a reason for you not to. 

but, always seeing him with beautiful people up on stage made you feel awful.

everything about them was perfect. their lives, their bodies, their everything. and you were just…. you. imperfect. unable to change for the better, because you just don’t know how.

what kind of asshole keeps someone there when you know that they have bigger plans, bigger things ahead of them if you were just gone?

the world of your apartment feels too small. everything smells like him, his deep pine and sandalwood cologne and products clouding your senses and judgement.

things you’d likely never smell again, not in the same way as you did now.

you’re holding onto a pillow, burying your face in it. trying to keep the thoughts away from your head, only to realize you’re miserably failing.

you’re awful. disgusting even. completely and utterly worthless in every sense of the word. every moment he spends with you could be used elsewhere.

and you broke…. something a few days ago. you don’t even remember what it was now, that’s how unimportant it was. maybe a cup? that’s probably what it was. 

he wasn’t mad at the time, but how would he feel once the bliss of your relationship has gone stale?

once you weren’t the special person he made you feel like anymore. 

he deserves someone better. you deserve to be left behind, as you always have. it’s no one’s fault but your own, that you were unlovable after a certain amount of time. you got to wake up to his crimson eyes for so long, his long hair draped around him like roses around the head of a deceased maiden in a play.

would you ever be able to watch a play again, knowing what you once had? would you even be allowed to stay in the RFA, or would you be kicked out as soon as you two were done. you’re just the coordinator, after all. That job could be filled by anyone, even Jumin could do it if he had to. 

‘Jags, I’m home!’ the door shuts in the main room, making your panic rise. you quickly rush into the bathroom, making sure to lock the door. you just got out of the shower, or you’re about to get in. you look into the mirror frantically, your eyes bloodshot and your bags larger than you thought they’d ever be. how often are you sleeping?

not even you know. it feels like it’s been forever since you got a decent-night’s sleep. unplagued by the thoughts of loneliness that constantly threaten to take over, leaving you grasping for the release of sleep just to have it follow you--

and it’s not like Zen doesn’t notice. he’s so kind, trying to help you fall asleep before him, wrapping his body around your own in an attempt to lull you to sleep. he knows something is wrong. but if he won’t say it, doesn’t it make it your job?

‘MC?’ you pull out of your head, trying to think of something.

‘i’m in the sh-shower!’ you curse at yourself for the crack in your voice, trying not to make a scene.

‘see, i know you’re lying because the water isn’t even on.’ he says, knocking on the door again. shit. ‘MC, what’s going on?’ 

‘nothing you need to worry about.’ your voice comes out weak, like you’re a scared child. you curse yourself for not being stronger, not being able to face him.

‘Princess, i will worry if you’ve locked yourself in the bathroom.’ he rattles the handle. ‘what’s the matter?’ 

you want to tell him everything. about how the world feels like it’s crushing you, tearing you apart inside and out. how he deserves to be with someone better, someone who’s more like him in status and looks. 

‘you should just go ahead and break up with me.’ you say, the words running from your mouth like hot water you can’t stand to keep inside any longer. the hot water you fucking lied about moments ago.

‘what?’ he sounds appalled, the word coming out like a breath. the sound breaks your heart. you’re hurting him, just like you always have. if it’s not his mind, it’s his reputation. his image.  
his everything.

‘it’ll save us both time, and me a hell of a lot of heartbreak.’ you feel your breathing getting faster. 

what’s the plan from here? wait for him to leave so you can pack your shit and go? open the door to let him yell at you, finally telling you how much he hates you for doing all of this to him?

maybe you should think about the situation before you get into things, MC.

‘MC, what makes you think i’d ever break up with you?’ he messes with the door handle again, hitting the wall slightly as he remembers it’s locked. ‘open the door.’

‘n-no.’ it’s not often that you outright ignore Zen’s words. you usually have a reason, a logical explanation as to why you refuse, but now, it’s completely self preservation. 

you need to rip the bandaid off, to let the wound heal while you still have the balls to. while he still has a chance of redeeming himself from your bullshit.

you can feel tears running down your face, your breath slightly hindered by them. what air you can get comes in shaky.

‘you’re upset, and hurting. i just want to help you, to help you get calm again, so we can actually, properly talk about what’s going on in your head..’ his jaw sounds clenched. just as he’s able to read you, you’re able to tell exactly how he’s feeling just from his voice. He’s not angry, but hurting. more upset than just frustrated. ‘MC, open this door. i’m not joking.’

‘i’m not either.’ you almost spit back, aching at the thought of him in pain from your idiocy. ‘break up with me.’ 

you can’t do it yourself. you can’t even break up with him yourself, you need someone else to do the dirty work. you’re so pathetic, disgusting, unworthy. 

‘no.’ you sink to the floor, grabbing onto your body and pulling into a tight ball on the floor near the shower. you’re safe, you’re protected. not by him, but by yourself. it’s always been you against the world, even if it was nice to have someone there for you for a while.

you deserve nothing but pain, especially after what you’ve put him through. 

‘it’ll just be easier if you let me go!’ you're almost yelling now. ‘isn’t it better to just think back on what we had with loving eyes and a smile on our faces?’ before you somehow ruin it, and make everything fall apart, you think you yourself.

‘i’d rather have more reasons to smile with you.’ you can feel his insecurities pouring out from him. ‘please open the door.’ you’re hurting him. you need him to let you go, to remind himself of how special he truly is. so you can’t possibly hurt him anymore.

‘i already said no.’

‘fine.’ he says, and it appears that he’s walking away. you breathe a sigh of relief. maybe he’ll finally realize what a fuck up you are, and—

the door shakes, and the hinges seem to rip up from the seams. the sound makes your brain feel like it’s on fire, and you clench your hands over your ears. it hurts, everything hurts.  
the door shakes again, this time breaking slightly. you realize he’s kicking it, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

one more kick, and it opens up enough for him to stick his hand through, letting him make his way inside as he forces it open. 

‘what are you doing!’ you yell, trying not to fall deeper into your own head, but failing miserably. 

the world seems to spiral around you, sucking you in as you hold your head between your shaking hands. he’s only doing this because he thinks he loves you. but you’re broken. any idiot can see you’re not worth the time. 

he’s only doing it because this is what he’s supposed to do as a boyfriend.

‘hi angel.’ he says, smiling softly. his voice is so soothing, grounding. he always knows what to say and do to help you calm down, to make the world seem like less of a shitty place. you look into his eyes before turning away again, tears blocking every part of your face.

you bury your face into your arm, your mouth uncovered in the small pocket made by the perch your arms have on your legs. 

‘i thought i told you to break up with me.’ you say softly as he sits down next to you, wrapping one of his arms around you, softly at first, to give you a chance to pull away if you wanted it. but you’re too tired to even do that. 

‘and i thought i told you that was never going to happen.’ he slowly runs his fingers through your hair, carefully pulling out any knots he finds. ‘can i hold you?’

he won’t soon enough. 

‘i don’t know.’ you manage to choke out, before allowing yourself to begin sobbing again.

you don’t know. you can’t possibly know. what even happens after a breakup? it’s happened before, but none of them have cut as deep as this one.

none of those were to protect someone from yourself. they were always by the other, saying that they had had enough. you’re just biting the bullet early this time.

the world feels like it’s caving in, all because you can’t make one fucking decision, and convince one person to save themselves.

he sighs, and gets up. you were right. you feel a new sob taking over you as the door creaks, proving that he’s leaving. you feel like you’re choking, barely able to get any air at all. your nose is so stuffy you have to take heaving breaths with your mouth. 

you asked for this, demanded it. why are you so upset?

you can hear footsteps, but they’re not receding anymore. they’re getting closer. slowly, you’re lifted from the ground. you feel scared, the air around you almost threatening to take you away. although, if it was away from him, maybe it would be worth it, to protect him. 

‘i’m too heavy for you to pick up.’ you say, clutching at his shirt as he has his arms under your legs and the back of your shoulders.

even now, when you’re shaking and wanting him to be gone for his own good, you feel drawn to him. safe with him. even if he did leave, even if he fucking listened, you’d still feel this way. the only thing that could ever bring you back is him. you would be lost without him, but you’d deserve to be lost. 

‘nonsense, i’m doing it right now silly girl.’ he laughs, and you can feel a small chuckle rumbling through his chest. you love that feeling, where you can feel his heart and breathing, his chest vibrating with his voice.

you’re set down on the bed. you quickly grasp the pillow that’s stained with your tears once again, pulling it to your chest. you’re moved and laid down so you’re facing him, but you refuse to open your eyes.

this dream is painful, but you’d rather him be safe. if it means you have to stay there, then so be it.

‘i’m no good for you, Zen.’ you choke out. ‘it’ll be easier on the both of us if you just leave me now.’

‘i’m not leaving.’ he wraps his arms around you, making sure not to hold you so tight that you’re unable to move.

you can feel a sob wrack your frame, and you discard the pillow, throwing it down to the end of your bed. you grasp onto him, trying to make sure he doesn’t leave. 

you were so adamant about it before, why can’t you just let go of him now? if you let go, you’re going to fall hard and fast with no chance of recovery. he’ll be fine, but you’ll be left alone and discarded, even if it is by your own doing.

‘why aren’t you listening to me?’ you ask, knowing full well he’s just as stubborn as you are.

‘well, because i don’t want to just yet. i want to make sure you’re ok before we talk.’ he sighs into your scalp, rubbing your back as your chest stutters with sobs. ‘you deserve to be held when you’re feeling down.’

‘no i don’t. not by you.’ you want to let go of him, but you can’t seem to force yourself to. ‘i’m just an idiot who fell in love, and you got coerced into liking me.’ 

he’s only here because he has to be. you’re disgusting, and cruel to him. he deserves happiness, and you’re simply not able to give it to him anymore. the bliss has faded, and now you’re just…. you. 

‘no.’ he moves his hand, forcing you to look up at him and meet his eyes. ‘from the moment i saw you in the chatroom, before i could even see you, i knew you were special. i knew you were the one. the way you talk, and interacted with everyone like you’d known them for forever. when you listened to Seven’s jokes, and played along with them, when you listened to Jaehee about those stupid projects Trust-Fund had her running. i knew you were supposed to be mine, through and through.’ 

‘i’m not that perfect person Zen.’ you try to move away from his gaze, but he holds your face still.

‘i didn’t say you were perfect. no one is, not really. but you’re mine. i love every part of you, even the bits that you think are broken. you’re you, and that’s what makes you special.’ 

‘how can you be so sure?’ you grab onto him again, trying to remain calm. you want to bury your face into his chest again, move away from his gaze so it’ll be easier to tell him to leave. even though it’s clearly not what you want. 

not that doing any of that will do you any good. if anything, it would just make you look more desperate for him to stay. and as much as you want that, you know it’s for the best if he leaves. 

he moves his other hand to cup your face between them.

‘well, how are you sure that you love me?’ you try to swallow, but it’s hard. you can’t seem to, so you talk with a dry mouth.

‘because you’re my everything. i love spending time with you, and getting to see you do what makes you happiest.’ 

his musicals always seem to make you smile, albeit not more than they make Jaehee. you have the real thing when you come home, so why settle for just a recording? the way your chest fills 

when he messages you, reminding you of little things throughout the day. the way you finally feel complete when you’re alone together, 

just because you’re happy doesn’t mean he has to stay. he deserves to be happy too, much more than you do.

‘i feel the same way about you, MC.’ you sniffle, trying not to break down again. ‘i love you more than anything else in the entire world. no movie star or anyone else could ever change that.’ he presses a kiss to your forehead.

you begin sobbing, trying to hold yourself together but failing miserably as you clutch as his chest, trying to bring yourself back to the world. 

why do little acts of affection send you spiraling, unable to regain control of yourself? is your life so terrible, that just a kiss on the forehead or on the hand have you completely and utterly broken?

‘Jags, it’s ok to cry.’ you shake your head, worming away from his hold on your face and returning to pressing into his chest. you can breathe easy there, your bright red skin unable to be seen. ‘do you remember when i hurt my ankle?’ you nod, feeling his shirt move up and down with you. it was a hard time for him. ‘you helped me through it. every moment felt like forever when you weren’t here. you made it easier to deal with, as much as it sucked. can’t i do the same for you?’ 

that has you wrapping your hands around him, grasping at the cloth and running it through your fingers. 

‘i’m s-sorry.’ you say, trying to take deep breaths. but it doesn’t feel like it’s working. 

‘don’t be. it’s ok to have doubts, to want to feel reassured sometimes. that’s why i’m here 

‘Jagiya. even if you don’t realize it for yourself, i’m here to remind you how amazing you are for forever.’

you want to stay there, hidden away from the world and all things bad. everything passing you by, unable to hurt you in anyway, because you’re safe. you’re not alone, and you never will be. he’s smart: smart enough to know what’s happening inside your head. 

he was trying so hard for so long, to do his best but to not push you. it’s clear now, that him trying to help you sleep was his way of reminding you that he was there. maybe if you had spoken up, had been willing to try instead of letting your feelings fester, he could have helped you stop this feeling in its tracks. he didn’t want to overstep, instead waiting for you to reach out, even just a little bit, so he could help you walk the rest of the way. 

but, you’ve always been used to doing everything yourself, that you didn’t notice it until now. 

‘are you alright, Jagiya?’

you nod, pulling away to look into his eyes. you smile as best you can, feeling like you look exhausted. to be fair, you are. you feel like you can’t keep your eyes open, your head unable to stay up straight. everything feels sticky, like you’re not supposed to be there.

‘there’s my favorite girl.’ he moves towards you again, rubbing your nose against his. he then moves his hand up and taps your nose.

‘there’s my favorite Zen.’ you tap his nose back, and he laughs a little. 

‘are you ok?’ you nod, sniffing again. you keep eye contact with him as best you can, but it’s hard, given how heavy everything feels. you settle for him holding your head up, his hand cupping the right side of your face. 

‘i’m sorry.’ he shakes his head.

‘i already said it’s ok, love. i’m here for you, no matter what that means.’ you nod, slowly pulling yourself back into his chest. you want to go faster, but everything aches. your back, your arms, but especially your mind. you spent so long worrying, now everything seems to take much more effort than it should. 

‘can i just…. Sit here for a while?’ you ask, barely able to keep your eyes open. you’re so tired, you don’t know if you’ll be able to listen if he says no. the world that was cracking at the seams feels a little safer. sturdier. maybe molded together by soft metals, and rope. but better with him in the center of it, keeping you away from the edges. he’s safe. he’s home, in every sense of the word. 

it’s not often that you feel so safe, so comforted by the words and actions of another. 

you may not be better, but sleep might help. the thoughts that run through you feel dimmer when he’s around. when he’s there to remind you.

you put him through the ringer today. but you don’t deserve pain. you deserve him.

you don’t need to cry, because he’s right there for you. he’s really, truly all yours. 

how could you forget to trust him? he’s not a liar. he’s not bad, not like the others.

he’s supposed to be here, and you are too.

‘of course. do you want me to stay?’ you grab onto his arm, forcing it over your shoulder. he laughs, and wraps his arms around you. ‘alright Jags, i’m not leaving. i hope you have good dreams.’

he’s yours, and you’re his. everything you are is for him, and everything he is is yours. his smell, his kind words, his smile. they’re all for you, a masterpiece only you will ever see. 

he’s good, and so are you.

‘thank you.’


End file.
